Working mama

Our finances have been uncomfortably tight for quite some time.  We are in a place where ends don't always meet and robbing Peter to pay Paul has taken its toll.  God always takes care of His beloved, I believe that wholeheartedly.  We have always had everything we need.  Our monthly deficit is not going to take care of its self so through a lot of crunching numbers, some tears and tons of prayer we decided that if we could find something that was flexible enough that it was time to take the plunge and I was to go back to wage earning.  I do clean an office building on the weekends and that helps a little. 

I don't have but a couple of quarters of college so the possibility of my earning more than childcare costs is minimal.  Add in the need to at times run to the school to care for Bekah and being available for my teens and the unpredictability of depression, we decided that a work from home or mostly from home was what we needed.

I searched Craig's list and came up with a lot of what look like scams that fit my criteria.  That is when I had a jewelry bar to help my friend out who is looking to replace her current income.  I found these unique treasures to be quite intriguing.  Fun, one of a kind lockets that tell a personal story!  As my friend talked to me more I found out that this was a new business that was growing like crazy and there is little to no competition in our area. 

I signed up and am now an Independent Designer for Origami Owl custom jewelry.  I am anxiously waiting for my stuff to get here so I can start playing around with creating unique lockets. 

I told the gals in my upline about T1D and had them put together a couple of lockets to give my DOC friends and idea of what you could create.  These lockets make great gifts, even for the gal that you know that has everything. 

These are just some ideas that my friends came up with.  You can make it uniquely yours.  If you let me know you are part of the diabetes community I will donate 10% of my commission from your sale to JDRF .

Here is the link to my webstore.  If you are local I would love to have a jewelry bar for you and your friends. 

3 years

3 years ago today I didn't have a clue at how much this day would impact my entire family.  This year diabetes has taken a back seat as I have worked though some pretty severe depression with my older two kids.  While diabetes is not the cause of anxiety and depression in my older children, diabetes has had its contribution.

I have sat through conversations and counseling sessions where this day, 3 years ago, has been relived and rehashed.  Feelings of abandonment and insignificance were stirred up in my children 3 years ago when we left them to care for their sister in the hospital.  Yes there were those that came to take care of them.  They did the best they could but did not allow my kids to cope they way they needed to.

Both of my older two children have stated that our family changed on that day 3 years ago and we will never be the same.  I would like to think that part of us changed for the better.

The first year after Bekah's diagnosis I poured myself in to research and advocacy.  I blogged regularly and we had our own walk team.  I wanted to know every thing I could about this new beast we had to fight everyday.  I needed to know how to keep my little girl as healthy and happy as possible in spite of the illness that threatened to take her life on March 8, 2010.

I never meant to make my "healthy" kids take a backseat.  I never meant for them to feel insignificant.  It happened and we are working through it.  I am only one mama who is doing the best I can.  Allowing diabetes to take a back seat this past few months has taken its toll as well.  Bekah's last A1C was the highest ever since dx. 

Life is a balancing act and we have to do the best we can to be present every moment.  We are all going to make mistakes in this life and hopefully we have grace for those around us as they do the best they can to balance what life throws at them.

I am so proud of my brave girl.  3 years in and she is a pro at carb counting and working her pump.  She has been doing her own insets since just a few weeks after she started pumping.  She is one of the most responsible kids that I have ever met.

This year we will celebrate our brave girl low key.  We will have a special treat of some sort (probably pie, the girl is obsessed with pie) to celebrate.  As we do every year, we will donate a few stuffed animals to our local pediatric ER dept at the hospital where she was dx.  We will even make a donation to help people living in 3rd world countries be able to have access to insulin. 

3 days from now we will be celebrating my first born turning 18 and that won't be such a low key celebration.  I can't take back the feelings of insignificance that he has had these past 3 years but I can celebrate him on this day and I will do just that. 

Happy Dia-versary sweet Bekah!  You make me more proud with each passing day! 

somedays are better than others...

Today was one of those days where I had a hard time staying positive and keeping a good attitude.  Bekah stayed home from school for the fourth day in a row because her teacher was out ill.  I was a little annoyed that I had to miss my exercise class becuase Bekah was home. Its hard to trust a substitute teacher to read the notes on Bekah and follow through with them.  I always leave it to Bekah and her comfort level of being at school on sub days.  This school year she has gone many times when her teacher is out.  This week not so much. 

 Megan had three panic attacks at school.  For her its similar to a T1 having 3 lows in a day.  They are unpredictable, unplanned, mess up her day and make her feel like crap.  Just like when Bekah is having a bad low I always feel helpless when Megan has a panic attack.  She was a trooper and able to make it through the school day.

When picking David up from school somehow the topic of food came up with the other moms and I mentioned that we have to measure everything Bekah eats.  One lady piped up "oh is she diabetic?  my dad has that but he is not on insulin"  I gently let her know that T1 and T2 are very different and clearly her dad has T2.  She wasn't buying it. Then another mom asked me "how I knew that Bekah was diabetic".  I told her that she had gotten really sick and in fact came pretty close to dying.  (after hearing about kids dying from going undiagnosed I don't want to be a drama queen but also don't want people to take this disease lightly) The mom with the T2 dad looked right at Bekah "Oh yeah you were just trying to get attention huh?"  She laughed and wondered why Bekah didn't find her joke funny. 

Maybe I am being silly but that comment made my blood boil.  Its so not funny that a child, my child, almost died, and T1 is so not funny.  I like to keep things positive but in my opinion her comment was so inappropriate and rude. I ignored it because I have been taught if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything.  So I didn't say anything.

I usually stand silently as I listen to the conversations that the other moms have as they wait to pick up their preschoolers.  Complaining about what a chore grocery shopping is or how much they spent on clothes for their growing child.  In my head I am thinking, "imagine adding carb counting to the shopping chore or meal planning for a T1".  "You think clothes are expensive,"  I think, "medical supplies to keep a T1 alive are way more expensive".  They don't get my world.  They can't get my world.  I didn't even get this world before I lived in it. 

These moms don't have teenagers in fact most of them have a baby under a year old and their preschooler is their oldest child.  These moms don't have a chronically ill child or even have a clue what it would be to miss their workout.  (ok now I am being snarky) 

I want to connect with these ladies but their world seems so superficial.  I want to be a "normal" mom but I am not.  That is not my life.  I have kids ranging from almost 18 down to almost 4 that in and of itself is odd and makes it hard for them to relate to me and me them.  Add in the anxiety/ depression that plagues my teens and T1 and my world is probably too much for them to even begin to comprehend.  

I guess I need to get over myself and try to understand their world to be able to connect.  I need to try to bring myself back to the day when the perfect Gymboree outfit with matching curly loops was my world.  These ladies will never be my BFFs.  My BFF has only one child and while she doesn't live in my world she works hard to try and understand it.  She is a rare breed and I am lucky to have her in my life!

Merry Christmas

I know its been a while.  What have we been up to?  Healing and doing are best to find normal again.  My kids are getting better every day.  Here is another thing we have been doing.

My husband has a thing for Christmas lights and in our new house he was able to dig out his boxes and dive in to this hobby again after years where it just was not conducive to where we lived. 

Here is our house this year :)  I love the joy it brings!  I am probably going to be caught up in life and spending time with my family so have a wonderful, joyous Christmas season!  I'll talk to you in the new year!

Much love from The Timm Family :) 

PS here is another video of Josh helping Jason hang lights.  Jason is afraid of heights but Josh is not :)

Triage

The needs in my family right now are many.  They are intense and require a lot of attention.  I long to walk beside each one, intimately and intensely caring for each need that arises almost like an ICU nurse would do.  Where the rest of the world is sort of shut out and I am left to focus on the one child and his or her needs until they become stable.

Alas I am just one mommy and I am forced to play triage.  I go from one crisis to the next and then back again giving what I can at the time to avert the crisis.  It is exhausting.  I am not strong enough to take it all on.

There is One who is though and I am so thankful that when I am weak He is strong and while I can't be everywhere at once He is omnipresent.   This week I have been overwhelmed and have not been relying on God's strength to get me through.  I have been reminded that my mere humanity will never be enough to meet all of the needs of my family.  

I found this song yesterday by one of my favorite artists.  I love it, its so fitting for me right now.  I hope you will take a moment to enjoy it.

On another note David has decided that everyone needs a pair of eye cases to protect your eyes when you go in a skyscraper.  You know those skyscrapers can be hard on the eyes.  ;)

 Bekah made a Thankful Turkey all on her own. (from pinky to thumb the fingers/feathers read: my family, my house, my dog, insulin, my pump)

Megan finished her first session of horse camp.  (Its a therapeutic program that Catholic Community Services paid for her to attend)  She fell in love with a horse named Maddy

There is beauty in the midst of the crisises and I am resolved this week to keep my eyes on the beauty and not the crisis at hand.  

Hard to write about...

Depression is HARD.  Its hard to talk about, its even hard (for me anyway) to write about.  My family has been thrown in to the depths of the ugliness that depression is.  I am so thankful that both of my older two children have been able to ask for help before it was "too late".  We are working through things with the help of a wonderful organization, Catholic Community Services. 

Just as we are gaining hope for Megan as we are seeing her getting stronger and healing, Josh had another trip to the ER this week.  His depression had not been severe enough for him to qualify for CCS's services until now.  I have honestly been more concerned for him and lost more sleep over my worry about him over the past several weeks than I have Megan.  I know she is getting the help she needs and is going to come out of this ok.  Josh was just floating out there grasping for the help he could get but it was not doing much for him.  Now he has the solid help he needs through CCS and I am hopeful for him and for our family. 

What does this solid help look like you might be wondering.  CCS assigns each child in their care a therapist who is on 24hrs M-F and then there is always an on call person on the weekend.  They meet with their therapist at least once a week and then have at least one family session with this therapist each week.  They are assigned a Family Support person and a Community Support person.  Between these two the child has 2 hour sessions out in the community (playing board games at the library, working out at the YMCA, walking the mall, doing crafts, getting an ice cream etc.) 5-7 times a week.  The FS and the CS are trained in crisis management and work together with the Therapist to help the child meet certain goals.  There are also Wrap meeting from time to time where the child's natural support (friends, family etc) are invited and they are given ideas in which they can utilize their strengths to help the child meet certain goals.    They also offer med management through CCS.  All of this is covered 100% by our insurance. I love the real life holistic approach and I feel so blessed that we found them and have them working with us. 

Invisible Illness Week

Look at that beautiful girl!  She looks like every other kid on the first day of a new school year standing by the door, anxiously waiting to meet her new classmates and teacher.  There are some things that you don't know about this girl unless you really know her and that is how it should be. 

If you were to watch a group of children playing on the playground, you would probably never know which one checks her blood sugar 10+ times a day unless you look very closely at her freckled finger tips. As you watch the joy and laughter of these children playing, you would never guess that one of them has a life expectancy that is 15 years shorter than the rest. You might notice that cute little fanny pack or belt that one of them is wearing and though you might never give it a second thought, the reality is that with in that pouch lies her life line, her insulin pump that gives her a tiny drop of insulin every four minutes and that is what keeps her alive and well. As the children eat their lunch you see how carefree they are to eat what they feel like eating while one of them knows that all of her carbs must be eaten or she may get very sick. One of them, though you'd never know it by looking at her had to visit the nurse right before lunch to check her blood sugar and get her insulin so she could eat her lunch.

If you were to see her mom you might notice the bags under her eyes or the tired look she has and assume that her toddler is teething again or her four kids keep her very busy. While that is true, what you don't see is that she is up checking blood sugars around the clock and the constant worry is what is really wearing on her.

Do I want this illness to be seen and pitied? I don't want or need pity and while I would love for others to understand, I know if I am doing my job correctly that this illness will go unnoticed and be virtually invisible by the rest of the world. That as others look at my daughter playing and having fun that none would be the wiser to the battle that rages inside of her body as her immune system violently attacks and murders her insulin producing beta cells. I will do my best to keep the possible complications at bay and help her live as full a life as possible. Yes, if I am doing my job correctly you would never know unless told that my daughter has T1D.